Relationships are not just about boy friends or girl friends. You have relationships - good or bad - with family, friends, work mates, the people you live with, hang around with, even the people that you try to avoid!
in this section
Communication
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Gay, lesbian, bisexual? Gender issues
Being in care / leaving care
Caring for someone else
Bullying
Abuse and rape
For Contact Details see our A-Z
COMMUNICATION
Communication is the key to good relationships, but when you stop getting along, communication is usually the first thing that suffers. So although talking things through with the other person is worth a try, it isn't always easy. Consider asking someone that you both trust to be there too, to help both of you listen to each other as well as each have the chance to talk about how you feel.
If you feel you need someone to talk to, call in at Castlegate and speak to a worker. See here for information about counselling and counselling services. You can also look at thesite.org
Relate offer a free counselling service for young people 10–25 about any issue (including the breakdown of their parents’ relationship, either now or in the past). If you are under 16 you'll need permission from a parent or carer for counselling after the initial meeting. Relate also offer relationship counselling to couples 16+. This can be to one or both partners. They also offer family counselling, if you and your family need some help sorting out family relationship problems. There is a cost for the relationship and family counselling services which depends on your ability to pay. For Contact Details see our A-Z.
If things get so bad at home that you don't feel you can live there any more, talk with someone first. Living on your own can be really hard at any age - but especially if you are under 18. Find out what your options are first, so you can decide what is best for you. Talk to a housing options worker at Castlegate, or see here for more information.
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If your parents feel they need some support they can ring Family Lives - a national helpline that can help with family problems. For Contact Details see our A-Z.
GAY, LESBIAN, BISEXUAL?
You may find yourself being attracted to people of the same sex as you, or people of both sexes. Don't panic - it's ok! It is estimated that as many as 1 in 10 people are gay, lesbian or bisexual. There is still a lot of prejudice in society towards people who are lesbian, gay or bisexual. It can be difficult to find information, or someone to talk to about how you feel without being pressurised or made to feel you are 'wrong' in some way. For information or someone to talk to in confidence, call in at Castlegate, or contact:
York LGBT & Q Youth Group: - a service for young people 25 and under who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender or who are questioning their sexuality. They group meets once a week 7.30-9pm (city centre location). They offer social activities, trips, workshops and an opportunity to chat to a youth worker or other young people who may be going through or have gone through similar issues as you. For Contact Details see our A-Z.
MESMAC have a youth worker for LGBT young people, Pete Blackburn. He works with young men and women who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, questioning their sexual orientation or gender identity. He can offer you one to one support, and information about the scene, groups and sexual health. He can also help if you'd like to make things happen, develop new services or do something about bullying in your school or college because of your sexuality or gender identity. MESMAC also publish a 'coming out' guide; Thinking Clear. Ring for a copy or pick one up from Castlegate. MESMAC also offer sexual health information, free condoms, support and counselling. For Contact Details see our A-Z.
If you are gay, lesbian or bisexual, or if you are unsure whether you are or not, it may take time to come to terms with. The organisations above can talk things through if you're trying to figure things out, or if you are worried about telling people, and how they might react. You can also talk to someone at Castlegate. There is also FFLAG - a helpline and website for families of lesbian, gay and bisexual people. For Contact Details see our A-Z.
Gender issues
Many thousands of people in this country feel that they have been born into the wrong body. (This condition is known as
gender dysphoria). For example, a trans person may feel that their birth gender does not match their identity. They may, or may not,
decide to have treatment and change their gender.
A trans person may not identify particularly as male or female, but somewhere in between, or outside of, traditional gender roles.
If you feel uncertain or unhappy about your gender, you may want to look for support or information. You can look online at gendertrust.org.uk or contact the Community Development Worker at MESMAC or York LGBT & Q Youth Group, or look at mesmac.co.uk For Contact Details see our A-Z.
BEING IN CARE / LEAVING CARE
If you have been in care past your 16th birthday and are a care leaver, you can get advice, information and support on all issues until you reach 21 from the Pathway Team, part of Children's Social Care. They can also support you if you want to return to education after 21, until you turn 24. Contact the Pathway Team for advice.
You can also ask to meet up and talk in confidence with the Children's Rights Officer, who runs the rights and advocacy service for young people who are or have been looked after by the Council (this might be in care or foster care). They also run participation groups, to give young people the opportunity to say what they think about being in care and how things could be improved. The project works with young people 18 and under. For Contact Details see our A-Z.
You can also talk to a worker at Castlegate, or get in touch with Childline who run a helpline plus online services.
CARING FOR SOMEONE ELSE
Caring for someone who is ill, disabled or has a drug or alcohol problem (for example a parent or someone else in your family) can be difficult, lonely, rewarding or exhausting.
York Carers Centre has a Young Carers Service for young people under 18, and can give you practical help and advice, as well as helping you get support for the person you are caring for. They also run LAFFS - a youth group for young carers that meets once a month.
York Carers Centre also has an 18-25 Young Adult Service that offers one to one support and regular social events such as pub quizzes and film nights with other young adult carers.
The Princess Royal Trust for Carers run online services. YC Net offers support to young carers under 19, and there is also a service for Carers 18+. Both offer forums, discussion board and email support.
York and District Mind can give you support if you are caring for someone with a mental health problem or illness; offering emotional support, a carers counselling service and befriending service.
For Contact Details see our A-Z.
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BULLYING
Bullying happens to many people and at any age - at school, at work, by family, 'friends', bosses, teachers etc. Bullying is not always physical; intimidation, humiliation, threats, cruelty, name calling, being left out, harassment, are all forms of bullying. If you are feeling bullied, you probably are being bullied.
No-one 'deserves' to be bullied. There is nothing about you that gives someone the right to make you feel bad about yourself or your life. You do have the right to be treated with respect. If you are being bullied it can sometimes be very difficult to know what to do and whether to tell someone. But remember, by keeping silent, you are doing what the bully wants and protecting them.
• Talk it over with someone you trust - you may not be ready to tackle the problem (or to ask someone else to tackle it) but talking it through can help you decide what you would like to happen. You can talk in confidence to one of the helplines or organisations mentioned here
• Tell your friends and family what you are going through - but make it clear they should not intervene without your permission
• If you are being bullied at school, talk to someone you trust and ask what the school policy is on bullying - all schools by law have to have one. Ask what they are going to do to about it and tell them what you would like to happen
• At work your employer has a legal duty to look after your welfare as well as your health and safety. If you are being bullied at work you can talk to your trade union rep if you are a member, or your manager. If you are being bullied by your manager, is there another manager or someone higher up you could talk to?
• If you do not feel your employer / school is taking the problem seriously, keep a diary of events and what they do or don't do.
Racial and sexual harassment are also bullying, but there are separate laws to protect people from these. see here.
ABUSE AND RAPE
You might wonder what this section is doing in 'Relationships'...
Most abusers and perpetrators are known to and trusted by the person abused, whether it is a member of their own family or step-family, partner, friend or someone else who betrays and abuses their trust.
Rape and sexual abuse can happen to men as well as women.
Being raped or sexually assaulted is an extremely distressing experience. If this has happened to you, remember that it is not your fault. You may well know your attacker, which can make dealing with the situation even harder.
It can be very difficult to talk to someone about what has happened; some people choose not to tell anyone at all. However, there are specialist organisations set up to support you, and the police and health workers should have been specially trained to help you.
You can talk in confidence to a worker at Castlegate, or call in to ask about their counselling service. See here for more information.
Survive offer emotional support, as well as one to one support. See here
You can also contact Victim Support for someone to talk to in confidence. They should also be able to support you in going to the police, and with court and medical procedures.
Survivors UK - a national confidential helpline for men (18+) who have been sexually abused or assaulted, either recently or in the past.
York Women's Counselling Service - offer a counselling service to women on any issue. More information see here.
For Contact Details see our A-Z.
If you need to get away from your partner (or ex-partner) because of violence or abuse, contact: the Independent Domestic Abuse Service (IDAS - formerly Women's Aid), or the Council's Housing Options Team at Customer Services Centre who have a duty to help women and men escaping violence. For Contact Details see our A-Z.
Victim Support also offer support to men and women who have been victims of domestic violence.
Reporting it to the police - although you can go to the police at any time after an attack, it is best to do this as soon as possible. They will probably ask you to provide medical evidence, so if you can you should avoid washing yourself or changing your clothes until you have been examined. They should arrange for someone of the same sex as you to do this if you prefer.
Going through an examination and questioning can be very stressful. It's a good idea to take someone you know with you, or someone from one of the organisations above.
Sexual abuse
If you have been sexually abused recently or a long time in the past, by a relative or someone else in a position of trust, there are specialist organisations who you can contact, to speak to someone in confidence about your experience. Castlegate also offer a free and confidential counselling service. See here for more information.
Survive supports women and men (18+) survivors of sexual abuse. They run a helpline and self help group, and offer support, information and advocacy.
Survivors UK - a national confidential helpline for men (18+) who have been sexually abused or assaulted, either recently or in the past.
For Contact Details see our A-Z.
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